Spoof news stories from July 2006
There were 89 spoof news stories published in July 2006. You can use the calendar on the right hand side to get news stories from a day in this month.
Stephen Hawkins reveals ‘I made all that space stuff up and I'm actually not that clever'
Cambridge, England -- It was revealed yesterday that self-styled ‘cleverest man on the planet' Prof. Stephen Hawkins has actually been pulling the proverbial wool over the eyes of the world for decades. At a hastily arranged emergency press conferen...
Auburn Football Announces "Fear the Dumb" Campaign
Auburn, AL - Auburn University's Athletics Department announced today a program that has taken their alumni by surprise. Following last year's 4th victory over an injury riddled Crimson Tide, Alabama Fans seemed to be upset when Coach Tuberville hel...
Latest Celebrity Break-up: Minnie Mouse Dumps Mickey
They made it through the Great Depression, the advent of television, the development of numerous Disney theme parks, and a revolutionized entertainment industry; but rumors are that now it's over. While Minnie was away at Tokyo Disneyland, appar...
Mrs Bin Laden Speaks ..
Ca'Sandra Bin Laden, former wife of Osama Bin Laden spoke with Al-Jazeera reporters regarding her former husband's latest DVD threatening to blow up not only Omaha, Buffalo and parts of Jersey but America itself along with Pluto and the rest...
Portman Becomes Portly For Part
Gearing up for her starring role in the musical drama, "F for Fat," Natalie Portman has put on an excess of 250 pounds. Up from her normal weight of 69 pounds, Ms. Portman is, admittedly, desperate to catch up with the star status of her fo...
The Bonanza Klan Gay? Their Horses Too?
(qNeWs) - qNeWs has nothing against straights, gays OR the artist formerly known as Micheal Jackson. qNeWs simply LIKES to at least know which side of the fence our western heros are coming from. Little Joe, Hoss, Adam and Ben. The Cartwrights.
Big Bird Arrested For D.U.I.
Big Bird, beloved star of Sesame Street, countless licensing, films and books, was arrested in Beverly Hills yesterday after being clocked going forty miles over the speed limit, while on a foreign made red skate board. Stopped and apprehended by the...
Technology Update: Not Everybody Loves a 'Smart' Washing Machine
What has technology wrought? For some, a washing machine that 'communicates' with its owners. Sam Solitaire (shown here) is presently using his PC to 'talk' to the equipment in his laundry room. Sam is participating in a trial of...
Cat Whisperer Confesses
Atlanta, GA -- Chris B. Kream (not her legal name), the self-styled ‘Cat Whisperer' called a press conference today to offer apologies to her followers - "upwards of ten now" - and to make amends, she says, for her "bad cat" advice. She intends to of...
Pope Seen at Laundromat after Research Says Housework Helps Elderly Live Longer
Many of the world's elderly have enthusiastically embraced new research findings indicating that 'normal' activities such as climbing stairs and performing household chores can help older adults live longer. Old folks from all stations of life the...
Bush and Blair lay out massive piss plan
Washington DC - (AssoCIAted Mess): A new Bush/Blair timetable has been reported as leading to a new ceasefire in the war-torn Middle East as the two leaders agreed yesterday to pack in as much ballistic hardware into the Tel Aviv-bound trans-atlanti...
Psychiatric Drug Cartel Reveals Marketing Plan
In a surprising move, the Society of Mind-Altering Drugs Marketing Alliance National (MADMAN) publicly announced their past, present, and future marketing campaigns, which had remained a closely guarded industry secret for decades. The psychiatric dr...
Bush Massage Conspiracy
"I think massaging women is extremely rewarding and often totally proper", says former US President Bill Clinton in his signature southern drawl. "I have been trying to get my friend and extended brother George, President Bush that is, to touch more...
Bird Flu Wipes out Baytown West Virginia
Most people have never even HEARD of Baytown West Virginia. Well, there you go. Bird Flu .. such an insidiously vapidly "666" disease that it can not only wipe entire cities off the face of the planet but also erase them from the c...
Lebanese Vacation for Israeli Military Planned by Dick Cheney and Friends
WASHINGTON (Reuters)-Reporter Wayne Madsen, formerly of the US National Security Agency has learned that the vacation in Lebanon for Israeli Defense Forces was determined in June during meetings in Colorado between Benjamin Netanyahu, Natan Sharansky...
Shiloh Jolie-Pitt Debuts at Madame Tussauds Wax Museum
New York City -- The phone lines are buzzing with first reviews of the debut of Shiloh Jolie-Pitt at Madame Tussauds Wax Museum in Times Square. Most museum visitors have given rave reviews to the new exhibit showing Brad, Angelina, and two-month-ol...
Stowaway Yogi Berra Stuns Space Shuttle Crew
The mainstream media is reporting NASA's line that it's business as usual on the latest space mission. Not so. Within a few hours of the launch, the Discovery astronauts were startled to find that there was a stowaway onboard. And it's...
Good Witch Glinda Protests Opening of Witch School
At the recent opening of a Witch School in Hoopeston, Illinois, there was an uninvited guest. If you can call her a guest, that is. To the school's faculty, she was an intruder. Glinda the Good Witch made a rare public appearance to protest w...
Man Pummeled by Wife after Presenting Her with PMS Chocolate 'Wonder' Bar
Ned Niceguy, 38, was hospitalized yesterday with a broken leg and fractured jaw, wounds sustained when he was attacked by his wife Nora, 32, after he had presented her with a PMS Chocolate Wonder Bar bought at a specialty store. Apparently Nora had...
'Rowling worse than Osama' - FBI
Lily Pond Lane, The Hamptons, Long Island - (AssoCIAted Mess): Federal Agents are reported to be taking no chances as serial plagiarist, fraudster and trans-atlantic terrorism co-ordinator JK Rowling prepares to descend on the hapless residents of L...
Magic Mushrooms Have "Spiritual Effects" in White House Study
WASHINGTON (AP)-White House volunteers who took an illegal drug made from mushrooms reported "profound mystical experiences" that led to behavior changes lasting for weeks, in an experiment that recalled the psychedelic '60s.
Sign(ing) Statements Explained With Cool Comic.
New York - The American Bar Association (ABA) has written a scathing criticism of the President's Signing Statements. Their work was spurred by an actual investigative journalism report (verified and fact-checked, you can be assured) showing that th...
Conspiracy to Get Rid of Annoying People by Taking Them for Spacewalks Is Busted
Boston, Massachusetts -- First came the amazing news that the company Space Adventures plans to offer spacewalks to space tourists. Then came even more amazing news. Boston police have just busted a conspiracy of millionaires (calling themselves R...
New Mental Disorder Found in Psychiatrists
Most mental disorders are found "by" psychiatrists. In an interesting revelation, a team at New York City's Ronald Reagan Centre for Liberal Culture has detected a new disorder "in" psychiatrists. The disorder, known as FHS, or Failure to Help Syndro...
Bush's Big Squeeze
It wasn't just Angela Merkle, Chancellor of Germany, who was the recipient of the sneak up, tip toe from behind, shoulder squeeze given by President George Bush; five other members of the G8 Summit were also victims of the same surprise assault.
Joint Military-Civilian Concept of Urban Renewal is "Da Bomb"
*EXCLUSIVE* [SpoofNews-New York] At a surprise press conference today, prominent architects and pentagon officials announced a plan to revolutionize urban renewal projects. After exhaustive economic analysis, logistical research and informatio...
Homeland Security Database Hacked by Nuns
Washington, DC - In a surprise admission of real stupidity Homeland Security Inspector General Dick B. Skinny admitted that the database of national monuments and other places subject to terrorist attack had been hacked by a group of nuns calling the...
Levy bust cops eye spooky new Cherie guru Greene
10 Downing Street, London - (AssoCIAted Mess): A silky-smooth and highly polished Metropolitan Police counter-intelligence operation is in full swing as UK security/intelligence agencies home in on the latest parvenu that Cherry Bush QC has tried to...
Pentagon Announces Success of Cost Overrun, Delay Program
THE PENTAGON-Colonel "Bull" Buntline of the Pentagon announced on Thursday that national security has successfully been undermined by Pentagon bureaucracy which promotes cost overruns and delays in the development of complex new weapons systems for U...
Bush Puts Rove in Charge of Roving Wire-taps
Washington, D.C. -- George Bush spoke at a press briefing, Tuesday night, saying "I am the Decider, and I have decided that it is OK for Karl Rove, to continue listening in on the private phone and internet conversations of American citizens...
Rachael Ray Has Thirty Minute Breakdown
The Seattle Times said it was bound to happen: Rachael Ray has thirty minute breakdown. After whipping up meals on a nightly basis in just thirty minutes for the last five years, including a hour long Thanksgiving supper, Ms. Ray collapsed behind her...
Fundamentalists Announce New Profanity Campaign in Support of Bush
St. Petersburg - Following President Bush's timely use of the "sh*t" word in discussing international strategy with Tony Blair, Christian fundamentalists announced a new campaign to promote profanity to get the job done.
Woman sought in Parmalat Magic Cheese scam
Santiago, Chile - (Associated Mess): Justice Department investigators involved in the prosecution of General Augusto Pinochet have issued a warrant for the extradition of a psychotic UK female barrister-impersonator after a massive pyramid-selling sc...
Wedding Planners Rejoice As Pamela Anderson Boosts Their Industry
The relationship between Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock (real name: Bob Ritchie) is once again "on." Is it ever! They married in St. Tropez; but that's not the whole story. Pamela has announced that they will be having additional marri...
Access to 'The Spoof' to be Blocked by Largest Internet Providers
Spokesmen for the 3 largest corporations owning the internet infrastructure in the US, said, last week, that The Spoof (an online web site, offering amateur satirists an opportunity to express their views), will not be among their slate...
Bush's G8 shambles
St Petersburg, Russia - (AssoCIAted Mess): A post-prandial President George Bush was hurriedly packed off by G8 security men into Scare Force One today after taking the healing waters of St Petersburg Palace a little too seriously at Vladimir Sputum...
H5N1 Killed by WHO
Geneva, Switzerland--The World Health Organization (WHO) announced today that it has killed H5N1. The name, that is. WHO, in conjunction with a reluctant (insiders say kicking and screaming) CDC, cited a need for clear communication.
Beirut bombing 'all Ivana Trump's fault'
Washington DC - (AssoCIAted Mess): The Pentagon is urgently reviewing new Mossad-sourced intelligence linking Manhattan socialite and canny business investor Ivana Trump with the razing to the ground of much of Beirut, home of the Hezbollah terror o...
Walmart Attack Doberman Rips the Larynx out of Cynthia Goldstein
Walmart, in it's quest to roll back not only prices but pure basic common sense as well hired 870 dozen full blooded Doberman Pinschers to guard their exit portals .. the only problem being, one Pinscher, "Claude" at the Denver...
Paxman In Nipple Fueled Controversial Love Triangle Fury
Jeremy Paxman had surgery yesterday to repair a broken blood vessel in his left nipple. However, the nipple was so hairy that the surgeon had to order in a special garden strimmer to cut the hair around the nipple, and then Paxman accidentally cut hi...
"Wise men say: only fools Russian"
Graceland, Tennessee - (AssoCIAted Mess): The War Against Terra took a dramatic twist this weekend when a fit of quirky diplomacy struck Japanese Prime Minister Junichiro Koizumi into revealing his opinion of this year's G8 Summit leader Vladimi...
Warren Jeffs to open Bush Dynasty mausoleum
Wacko, Texas - (AssoCIAted Mess): FBI officers have confirmed today that the prophetic ring-leader of the polygamous Fundamentalist Church of Latter-Day Assholes Warren Jeffs plans to open his newly-built Chernobyl No 4 Reactor-style temple at Eldora...
Mother Nature is Angry
As your loving mother, I’m writing this, my first, open letter to you humans, my most complex mammal, just to tell you to cut it out. I am the mother here, and I’m tired of seeing you get all full of yourself, thinking you can ‘conquer’ me.
I’ve been watching, I see that you don’t clean up after yourself, to say nothing of the ‘wars’ you foist on my world. You seem to think it’s ju...
Happiness is a poor thing
Midway into my career as a professional, something that seemed incredible, at least for a professional, struck me: Money doesn't buy happiness.
Grandparents and gurus have said this through the ages. But who listened? Not me. A friend of mine said once that "People don't take this happiness stuff serious. They think it's poor conversation."...
Desperate Seniors On Gardenia Lane
Wall Street Kernel: With the advent of sexy television programs successfully 'pushing the envelope' like Sex And The City, Desperate Housewives and Footballers' Wives, there is a new series presently in development with an eye toward the...
Tylenol kills pain, may hurt liver, is harmless to oxen
SALEM, Ore. -- The high dose of Extra Strength Tylenol sharply increases liver damage, according to a new study. But, researches say that because Tylenol kills pain so well, a liver can be nonfunctional for months before a person feels any pain.
St. Louis Blues Recruit Zidane for NHL
Zinedine Zidane, captain of the French World Cup team which lost a tense final round game to Italy, has been offered a spot on the roster of the American hockey team St. Louis Blues.
Li’l Kim Replies
The North Korean leader has emailed such an angry letter to the editors of The Spoof! that we feel compelled to post it– literally. We think.
Kim has threatened, best we can discern from the language in the (not included) email, to throw his ‘missile’ to the West if we fail to respond by a certain unreadable (possibly past) date. We remain confused if his interpreter,...
Bush Steals Mexican Election, French Fries
An investigative journalist tells a major news website that the Bush Family has stolen another election, this time in Mexico. The National Acton Party, a right-wing group that enjoys close ties with the Bush Family has declared victory in last week'...
Saddam's wife, daughter put on CIA's most desirable women's fashion list
American Fashion Press (AFP) Cairo, Egypt -- Fashion designer and Iraq's part-time National Security Chief, Mouwafak al-Rubaie, also said the former al-Qaida boss, Abu Musab al-Sarawak's fifth wife is among the recipients of the 3rd annual Middle-Eas...
N. Korea Aims to Feed Masses
North Korea - Kim Jong-il, leader of the highly repressive government of North Korea, announced that the missile tests on July 4th were nothing more than an attempt to acquire food to the nations starving masses.
Universal Pill Announced
New Jersey -- The world's largest drug manufacturer called a press conference today to announce a breakthrough in pharmaceutical treatment. Pharmacon CEO Percy M. Tede described the so-called ‘universal pill,' long-sought by drug producers, as a "pa...
Colin Farrell Busted on The Tonight Show for Improper Disposal of Chewing Gum
Who was that mystery woman who emerged from the audience to accost Colin Farrell at Jay Leno's Tonight Show last week? A spurned lover? A crazed fan? A long-lost relative? None of the above, according to the latest info obtained by The Spoof.
Cardinal probed in massive VAT fraud
London - (AssoCIAted Mess): Following yesterday's sudden shock resignation of the Archbishop of Westminster's right-hand PR guru Oz-Tin Ivory, UK cops have confirmed that they are now probing his boss Cormac Murphy O'Connor who is believ...
No Room to Assume--Doom Looming!
Ground Zero, EARTH--In what may be the last weather prognostication ever, residents of the Third Rock from the Sun were given fair warning that the concept of the "Eternal Summer" is not just a metaphorical expression...it's abou...
London memorial service for Opus Dei banker
London - (Associated Mess): A full complement of the House of Mountbatten is expected to attend this week's memorial service at St Adolf's-up-the-Creek parish church for the suicided Opus Dei banker Gianmario Roveraro who chainsawed himself...
New living memorial to Hellfire Club's Queen Mother
Edingburgh, Scotland - (Associated Mess): The Euro-Septic Tories' top actress paid to impersonate Queen Elizabeth II this afternoon opened a new living nightmare to the Hellfire Club's greatest diva the Queen Mother after installing two of...
Bush "gobsmacked" at Bonesman Lay's sudden death
Washington DC - (AssoCIAted Mess): President George Bush and his VP Dick Cheney are said to be in a state of "extreme shock at the sudden and totally unexpected death" of convicted ENRON fraudster and fellow Bonesman Ken Lay at his home in...
St Ken Lay's funeral cost Vatican Bank $10 million
Aspic, Colorado - (AssoCIAted Mess): Newly released figures show that last week's funeral of Enron martyr St Ken Lay of Houston cost the Vatican Bank more than $10 million, mainly in appearance fees put in by the former P2 satanic Lodge luminari...
Heads Up for the Head-Butt!
French soccer player Zinedine Zidane must have been humming "This Could Be the Start of Something Big" when he head-butted Italy's Marco Materazzi during the final of the 2006 FIFA World Cup.
Space Shuttle Discovery to Provide July 7th's FIREWORKS Entertainment
Space shuttle Discovery, LAUNCHED successfully at 1:39 CST, July 4th, will, according to some NASA sources successfully EXPLODE into a billion and one pieces .. IN orbit .. July 7th, somewhere over Texas providing Texans with the most specta...
Crack discovered on space shuttle
CAPE CANAVERAL, Fla. - NASA managers are astounded, behooved and perturbed since crack was found on the space shuttle Discovery.
Microsoft's Legal Setback
SEATTLE, WA - In a landmark decision today, U.S. District Court barred Microsoft Corporation from using the name "Windows Genuine Advantage". The Windows Genuine Advantage (WGA) software is designed to thwart piracy and keep track of the programs and...
Concerns raised over Japanese binge drinking culture
The Japanese Ministry of Karaoke was last night attempting to play down claims made by some observers that British levels of binge drinking were now being observed in Japanese society, something that would have been unthinkable even yesterday morning...
Li'l Kim Started It ALL
Washington, D.C. - Secretary of State Condoleezza (The Unsticker) Rice announced today that the Bush Administration "totally blames Kim" (of North Korea) for the current (some would say hideous) trend in arm crossing. She pointed out numer...
ENRON body count grows as another banker tops himself
London - (AssoCIAted Mess): Police are investigating the sudden and mysterious death of ENRON fiasco investment banker Neil Coulbeck whose body was found in woodland 'by the bushes' shortly after being questioned by the FBI about his eyewitn...
Global Warming Causes Coin Shortage
Just one more bizarre consequence of the omnipresent disaster that's unfolding before our eyes and ears, Global Warming, is hitting the pockets of the ordinary man in the street.
Queen sails into the sunset on new royal yacht
Islay, Scotland - (Associated Mess): The House of Mountbatten turned up en masse yesterday for the start of a seven day cruise around the Western Isles billed as the grand finale of the 80th birthday celebrations of Elizabeth, eldest daughter of Kin...
Another dodgy Opus Dei banker found suicided under bridge
London - (AssoCIAted Mess): Tessa Jowl's beleagured dodgy husband David 'Dark Satanic' Mills was sweating plutonium today following the news that Italian police have discovered the body of Opus Dei banker Gianmario Roveraro who disappear...
Stalin Humanitarian award to be announced
Moscow, Russia - President Vladimir Putin announced today the first ever Stalin Humanitarian award for public service. Reminisce of previous Soviet era awards the medal is to be presented for continuous public service to the citizen who most repres...
Defense Deals Blow in Coca-Cola Case
Atlanta, Georgia -- The three people (one woman, two men) accused of attempting to sell trade secrets of Coca-Cola to rival Pepsi are innocent. That is, if you believe their attorney, Thomas Tellatale. Holding a press conference in front of a huge...
Bush: US detainees to get last rites
Washington DC - (AssoCIAted Mess): The White House has ordered that all US military detainees are to be given the last rites, in compliance with President George Bush's interpretation of the Geneva invention and in accordance with the Departmen...
Bush Promises Jobs Policing Mexican Border to Displaced Hezbollah Militants
In a surprise move today, President Bush announced a new immigration policy that has stunned the world. Beginning immediately, administration officials say Hezbollah militants displaced by the recent Israeli attacks on the southern border of Lebanon...
Democrats Launch No-dong Candidates
In a move seen by many as shameless copycatting of North Korea, the Democratic Party has decided to launch No-dong candidates. These candidates, part of a new series of candidate, can threaten both coasts of the United States with first strike capab...
Plame sues yellowcake fruitcakes
Washington DC - (AssoCIAted Mess): The Plamegate scandal took a controversial twist last night as embattled former CIA agent Valerie Plame filed a civil lawsuit against Vice-President Dick Cheney and his minion Bonesmen in the White House over yell...
Bush Condemns Disclosure Of Terrorist Sperm Count
President Bush yesterday sharply condemned the disclosure of a program to secretly monitor the sperm count of suspected terrorists, as well as the sperm count of Americans. The inclusion of American sperm count was explained by: you never know; just...
Korea "Disgruntled" with it's Missiles Supplied by Toys R Us
Toys R Us plans to fight North Korea's pending lawsuit stemming from the fact that every missile that Korea attempts to launch plunges into the Sea of Japan. One "R Us" official said,...
Idiot Claims That 'Sky Is Made Of Wood'
Unknown scientist Zee Idiot Jr. has claimed that the sky is made of wood.
Cops squeeze Dark Satanic Mills in Calvi probe
London - (AssoCIAted Mess): Pressure was mounting last night on Tessa Jowl's shyster lawyer husband David 'Dark Satanic' Mills in the God's Banker murder probe as he and fourteen accomplices were indicted on fraud, embezzlement and c...
Standard Presidential Photo
United Press International has chosen a, "Standard Presidential Photo" to accompany news stories. The struggling press service announced that it would, hereafter, run the photo, (shown at right), with all stories referencing the Preside...
Blair: "I'm no dictator"
London - (Associated Mess): In a robust defence of his inimicable leadership style a frantic Tony Blair lashed out at critics in Parliament today disputing widely accepted DNA police evidence that he is a direct descendant of war criminals hired by...
Israel Begins Clearances for Real Estate Development in Lebanon
TEL AVIV (UPI)--Israeli jets struck Lebanese communities in new airstrikes early Saturday, as Israel's tanks and bulldozers rumbled over the Lebanese border and its forces seized villages as part of a real estate development project for the gover...
Video of 7 July bomber released
New Scotland Yard, London - (AssoCIAted Mess): UK cops have confirmed that the new video footage released by Al Jazeera TV of the 7/7 London bombing top suspect is of the Prince William doppleganger spawned by a lethal conjunction between Chancellor...
"Blair next" say cops
London - (AssoCIAted Mess): "Yes, we're like brothers", said Tony Blair as he defended Michael Levy - his No 1 WMD fantasist, personal bagman and co-author of the biggest conspiracy to pervert the course of justice since General Pinoch...
Department of Defense Merges with Wal-Mart
Wal-Mart and the D.O.D have struck a deal that will provide logistic support to any pissed off citizen or terrorist group that desires to purchase high grade sensitive military equipment. D.O.D. officals report that using Wal-Mart's existing inf...
Things Can Only Get Bitter as cops bust Poodle's bagman
London - (AssoCIAted Mess): The Prime Monster's Middle East envoy, top fun raiser and official bagman Michael Levy is in a North London slammer today after the Serious and Organised Fraud Squad of the Metropolitan Police busted him in their inve...
The President's Hairpiece
While it has been an accepted rumor that Laura Bush's always perfect hair is actually a swim cap (no chin strap) made up of fiber optic threads molded into place with steaming flat irons, recent sightings of the President's roving hairline s...
Attack ampersand ambushes alarm Reno residents
This just in: Approximately 30 minutes ago, Reno resident James Umbach was suddenly and maliciously attacked by an ampersand. The attack occurred at the beginning of the lunch hour at the Safeway on Mae Anne Ave.