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Cameron rebuked by OBR for quoting the fairies he is away with
After a complaint from the independent Office for Budget Responsibility yesterday, the Coalition has sought to disprove that David Cameron said that black was white and misquoted the OBR.
A Coalition spokesman today made it 'absolutely clear' that Mr Cameron has not been telling any lies, fibs or porkies, but merely adhering to a new Coalition lexicon to standardise political statements.
T...
Ron and Fred on Crisps!
FRED: Crisp?
RON: What are they, cheese n onion?
FRED: Nah, barman said they're all out ov cheese n onion. All 'e 'ad was salt n vinegar, or ready salted.
RON: I'll av one if it's plain.
FRED: Nah, these are salt n vinegar, Ron.
RON: Oh, you should av got plain, I would av ad one or two ov 'em if yed got a packet of plain crisps.
FRED: So go n buy yerself a packet of plain...
Letters To The Editor About Margaret Thatcher
Sir,
in view of the fact that Margaret Thatcher is to get a memorial inspired by the American memorial to Ronald Reagan, should she not be called the "Gridiron Lady"?
Arthur Braincell BSc (failed)
Lunt
Sir,
Her Highness Lady Baroness Thatcher was the ultimate role model for all civilised white women. She truly showed that with the application of hard work, brains, sado-masochism, vo...
Sir Ranulph Feinnes becomes first man to reach Dorking by dogsled in winter
It was perhaps one of the greatest voyages imaginable which remained as yet unconquered - travelling by dogsled from London to Dorking in the very brief British winter. It was a dream of many men and had claimed more lives than can be counted. But this week Britain's greatest living explorer Sir Ranulph Feinnes finally achieved it on his twenty-fifth attempt.
Upon realising that this weekend th...
Huhne Prison Diary Day 1
An Obnoxious American Gives His Snide Opinions On European Football and Not Only Gets Booted From the European Union, Banned From England But Gets Butted Off The Spoof Website Too.
What is it like to be very Frank?
A True History of The 15th Century
Frankie Howerd on Margaret Thatcher
Well. Here we are. Here we, ooh, no. Ooh. Ah. Ooh, I don't know where to put meself. Don't know which way to turn tonight. Yes, Missus, you've been there, haven't you? Hmm? You've felt my predicament. Look, now don't start. Shut your mouth. Oh, the riff raff we get in here.
But ooh. Ah. No. Don't. Hasn't it been a hard winter? It's been a hard winter. And it's not over yet, I can tell you. Ooh,...
Living on £1 a day, by Sir Geoffrey Mansionhouse
During the course of one of our legendary chats at my local gentleman's club, my chum Lord Percy made me a bet that I could not refuse. Namely, that I could live off £1 a day for a week.
"Nonsense," I replied. "Why, one could buy 50 pints of milk at that price!"
I admit that I had not researched the subject thoroughly and my milk comment was slightly off. Usually my butler and partner Jeeve...
The Sign Of Ophiuchus
I had been an astrologer for very many years, diligently generating predictions from the ancient charts for both private clients and national periodicals.
For much of that time, however, I had harboured an unspoken suspicion that something was not quite right. It seemed to me that predictions were frequently inaccurate - in fact they were nearly always completely wrong.
I had, nevertheless,...
Facts for impressing your friends
They say that knowledge is 'da bomb'. Quite who 'they' are, is yet to be discovered. However, when presented with somebody else's amazing fact, people are quite often left stumped for an amazing fact in return. Well, no longer. Here is a list of fifty astounding facts to delight and amaze people with, and we can guarantee that nobody will have heard them before, because they're all made up.
Leg...
Park keeper mauled by tiger in new terror attack
First a soldier, then a plane - now al-Queda have utilised Sumatran tigers to spread fear and panic in the UK. Authorities are putting everyone in the country on alert about threats from everything.
British Innovation On Show
Britain has always been a country full of ideas and inventions. It has long been an essential part of the economy, and never more so than in recent years. From the Dyson bagless suction hair dryer to the Dyson bagless sink unblocking suction device to the Dyson bagless bagpipe, Britain still has the innovative ideas which lead the world. Here we round up some of the great new ideas which are being...
Literary World Stunned By Claims That Thousands Of English Words Have Gone Missing
The world of literature has been stunned by allegations that massive numbers of words have simply gone missing from the English language.
'In the 1960s we believe there to have been at least one million English words,' said a spokesman for the Queen's English Society. 'Dictionaries that are currently available, however, list just a few hundred. It would appear that words may have been systemati...
It's Eurovision time again!
This Saturday, it's everyone's favourite annual pan-European musical competition - the Eurovision song contest. For a few hours, bleary-eyed Britons will throw away their deeply ingrained xenophobia and enthusiastically embrace their fellow Europeans as their own.
Even Eurosceptic UKIP leader Nigel Farage is said to host an annual Eurovision party. He recently admitted that he has fished out hi...
Useless signs - part 2
As I continue to wander round this green and pleasant land, I have seen many a sign. These are normally yellow and inform me that the reason it's taking ages to get anywhere, is because there is a lane closed in Birmingham. Most signs are useful. They provide important information, such as if you drive round the next bend at your current speed, you will fly off the edge of a cliff and discover if...
The God of Data - A Lesson From the Book of Dataronomy
And the God of Data sat on his heavenly throne and he looked down upon the world of education and he said, "They know not what they do" And lo, the God of Data said, "I shall create a new world of education and it shall be created in five days, like what there are in a school week.
And on the first day the God of Data created targets so that all of the children could be numbered to be judged on...
North Korea's Tourist Guide to Britain
All hail to glorious leader Kim Jong-Un! May his heroic leadership crush our enemies with nuclear fist!
For tourist, Britain is small island country on west of Europe, known for hats, royal families and slavery. Weather is always cloudy. National dish is horse but confusingly is labelled beef. National sport is to arrest celebrities.
Historically, Britain is enemy of glorious all-powerful N...
Pope Emeritus Top Gear special for Easter
The BBC are delighted to advertise (every hour on the hour for the next 4 weeks), a blockbuster Top Gear 'special' for Easter, to be screened on Good Friday.
During an action-packed hour and a half the team have an engineering challenge titled 'Pope my ride' where they take a Subaru and convert it to an open-topped golf cart with armoured glass windows, then race their creations through the str...
Come Dine With Me - if you're hard enough
Is it just me, or has the Channel Four 'Come Dine With Me' show gone down the pan?
Some years ago, I admit, I watched the occasional episode. Entertaining moments arose from time to time. An appealing new recipe to try, perhaps. Someone who had something remotely interesting to say.
The sarcastic commentary, of course, was always the essence of the show's success.
But things have chang...
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