Spoof news snippets from Monday 2 July 2012

Porn-induced headache mystery solved: man flogged himself

An Indian man (24) reported that he couldn't view online porn without suffering from splitting headaches. Turns out he was batting himself over the skull with a cricket bat.

Huge Savings To Be Made By Cutting Police Officers

By cutting 6,000 police officers, forces can be expected to sell around 3,000 police cars as well. This will save billions of pounds in fuel. Those who wish to remain, will be forced to use bicycles.

Brass Shortage Blamed For Copper Shortage

Police forces around the country are going to lose over 6,000 officers due to a lack of brass.

Andy Murray Drops Balls

When playing against Marcos Bagdatis, both of Andy Murray's balls fell out of his shorts causing him to lose a couple of points. The crowds were embarrassed too!

Health and Safety Fears over Wimbledon

Tennis fans will be given earplugs following the high pitched grunts of some players who exceed the safe volume levels. Health and safety officials will be monitoring tennis matches as from 2013.

Inseine's BOOK OF THE DAY 90

Andy Murray's female fans are "knitters"!

Several women watching great British hope, Andy Murray, slog through his games are total "knitters"! Let's hope Andy doesn't drop his stitches whilst serving for the match!

Gay Cruise Turned Away by Morocco

.......Tom threatens legal action before realizing it was the Gay Holiday Ship Turned Away by Morocco that docked in Spain.....

Prince Charles Quotes Shakespeare's Richard III

"A Horse! A horse! My kingdom for a horse!"

So they gave him Camilla...

"Here Come the jets like a bat outta hell!"

Police fear more 2011 style riots says report..strewth, these Jubilee celebrations are destined to go on forever!

Armed boy, 9, steals electric car

A Swedish company said a 9-year-old armed with what was believed to be an air gun stole an electric car and drove around for about 10 minutes before crashing.

"He must have some English blood in him?"

Man breaks into house, cut himself on window, and dies

Vermont State Police say a man died after he broke into a home by smashing a glass window and was severely cut as he climbed through it.

"Good! - if he was breaking in!"

Button phobia of student: "I can only wear clothes with zips"

Hannah's phobia of buttons is having counselling after years of wearing clothing with only zips. Koumpounophobia, first struck when she was five.

"How does she go with button mushrooms?"

Singles try to sniff out love at pheromone parties!

Guests are asked to submit a slept-in T-shirt that will be smelled by other participants.

Then, voila! You can pick your partner based on scent, of so the theory goes.

"Will it's different!"

2 women in their 80s parachute for Ohio charity!

83-year-old Marjorie Bryan and 82-year-old Marianna Sherman have parachuted from a plane to raise money for a veterans' food pantry in northwest Ohio.

"Marjorie and Marianna... magnificent!"