Spoof news snippets from June 2012
There were 396 spoof news snippets published in June 2012. A selection of the best rated snippets is shown here. You can use the calendar on the right hand side to get all the news snippets from a day in this month.
You need new balls, mate, coach tells Andy Murray
Something with a bit of, er, bounce.
What natural blonds tell us about 'magical' powers of pigment
Makes fantastic pork scratchings...
Drunk Lady Drives into Golf Course Sand Trap and Sues all the Golfers
"If any of them would have lent me a sand wedge, I never would have been caught".
New Justin Bieber Bobblehead Doll: When the head bobbles the pants fall down.
On sale now at all Saggy Pants stores.
Hospital bulletin says Prince Philip still feeling sore...
But the operation to remove a swizzle stick's billed a complete success!
Former CEO of Vatican Bank 'planned to give tosser to Pope'
Er...make that 'dossier!'
All Our Yesterdays: The Blitz was the best thing ever to happen to parts of London
Especially Deptford High Street, still frozen in time.
Spoof writer pens his 1,000th snippet
And if he wasn't gaga when he started back in December, he most definitely is now. When asked for a comment he declared "here's to the next thousand - by about this time next friday"
Lady Gaga bangs head on pole in New Zealand.
Meanwhile at almost the identical time in Turkey, Madonna bares a boob on stage - proof if needed that Madonna and Gaga are indeed separated at birth.
Lady Madonna = Mother of Lady Gaga!!
Superman And The Phony State Trooper
Obama wasn't left with just the bill for a steak dinner: two wars, the housing market crash and a failed auto industry. Obama is more Superman, than Romney in phony Michigan State Trooper uniform.
Vet On Leave from Iraq Surprises Son on Date
Sgt Crane has not seen his family in 6 months. Local news crews arranged for him to hide in the hotel while his 16 year old son was on "date". The vet surprised his son as he was getting to 2nd base.
Tom Cruise Is 'Deeply Saddened' By Divorce News, Says His Spokesman
His boyfriend is rumoured to be over the moon though.
Tulisa Contostavlos Confirms Split With 'Skins' actor boyfriend
Lets hope for her sake there are no badly performed sex tapes to be released at a later date.
Kim Kardashian reads Nietzsche to prove to Kanye West she's not a moron
News for ya Kimmy, it never worked for Joey Barton and it won't work for you.
U.S. Denies 'Sesame Street' Torture at Guantanemo
They refused to comment on Southpark though.
BT claim there are over 52,000 public payphones
BT claim there are over 52,000 public payphones in throughout the UK.
"Well I know of two that have not been vandalised!"
Bruce Springsteen to Pen New US Naional Anthem: Yo Give me a Fricken Job
Barack Obama will play the Wa Wa.
Snowdrop fanciers have their own name!
'Galanthophiles' - are all over the world!
BBC Clanathrophiles
"I see!"
New survey reveals surprise finding
researchers at the University of Gaga have discovered that surveys conducted by universities can never be 100% accurate unless they interview 100% of the worlds population.
Google so desperate for Doodle, they celebrate 79th birthday of Drive-in
Google Doodle couldn't find any important person who was born on this date, so they chose the 79th birthday of the drive-in. Another Doodle to come: the 17th b-day of the soybean oil breast implant.
English summer has arrived, so have the storms!
The annual arrival of a British summer has caused storms, gales and whiplash winds to attack the green island. Maybe they should move Wimbledon and the Sham-Olympics to Tenerife, Olé!
'Big Society' find David Camerons daughter left in a pub
Prime Minister on way back home, drunk on four bottles of wine.
Steve McClaren supports England tactics at Euro 2012
He reckons England can win a tournament playing this way.
Expect a complete overhaul of England's tactics very soon after McClaren's endorsement.
Wonky mouthed Katie Holmes files for divorce from tiny Tom Cruise
Staying married looks like a real Mission Impossible for Cruise.
This is his third divorce and signals the end of his marriage trilogy.
China sends woman into space
It was the only way to stop her yakking, says Chinese Space Institute engineer.
Andy Murray Wimbledon match finishes at 11pm
Just in time for the start of babestation.
Special Addition to South Carolina Zombie Shoot
Just breaking, the zombies of several Al-Qaeda members have been captured and sent to South Carolina. The zombies will be used in a special "Hunt Achmed the Dead Terrorists Friends" event.
Kate Middleton to be Sleeping On The Streets Soon
Blimey, am I the only one not renting my house out during the Olympics?
Brixton Prison Break "Instigated by Gordon Ramsay"
"We just wanted to get away from the foul mouthed bastard" claims recaptured con.
Man admits stabbing girlfriend 57 times
Apparently they had a disagreement of sorts.
Miami Zombie reportedly high on 'bath salts'
That's, like, just a normal weekend for me.
Madonna Appeals For World Peace
Her new world tour kicked off in Israel in front of 30,000 fans.
Madonna declared, "If there is peace in the Middle East, there can be peace in the whole world."
Problem solved.
Dull and Boring twin up!
The towns of Dull, Scotland and Boring, US, are twinning up and hoping to inject a bit of excitement into their very dull and boring inhabitants, YAWN...ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!
Tripadvisor
According to the 'supreme slaphead' William (V)Hague 'Syria is like 1990's Bosnia'...like you were there Bill staying at the Sarajevo Hilton all inclusive no doubt?
It rains liquid methane once every 1,000 years on Titan!
Titan: the largest moon orbiting Saturn.
"I'm glad those told us that, just in case we were planning a weekend break on Saturn presumably?"
Osborne: UKrecovery snuffed out by extended Jubilee holiday
About time the chief culprit snuffed it herself!
Warning To Teenagers: Getting Pregnant Can Kill
Doctors report that pregnancy can cause up to 1 million deaths or serious injuries to teenage mums in Britain every year.teenagers are to be congratulated in keeping undertakers in employment!
Alaska man climbs tree, but gets stuck upside down!
He climbed a tree for exercise but got stuck upside down hanging by one leg.
Authorities were alerted by a man he called from a cellphone attached to a lanyard around his neck?
"Hmm?"
Danny Guthrie lobster-throwing wedding brawl ciiticised
What's wrong with traditional nuptial dwarf-tossing then?
Eastenders latest: Ian Beale living rough down canal
On the upside, he has managed to let his East London home to Tourists in London for the Diamond Jubilee, Wimbledon and the Olympics.
Wimbledon Latest: England's Laura Robson loses to Italian in first round
Sounds familiar...
3p Fuel duty rise cancelled:
In unrelated news, the government today launched a new website for future press releases - uturn.com
Venus Williams knocked out in Wimbledon first round
Venus - she had the fire, now she hasn't got it.
Romans dodged paying taxes on Jersey and Guernsey too!
Not only modern day stand-up comedians dodge taxes on Guernsey; the Romans did it too. A find of Roman coins has been dug up proving that the Romans are to blame for everything dodgy!
Part 4
Due to the success of the three 'Mr Grey' books currently being devoured by thousands of frustrated housewives and virgins a fourth instalment will be released entitled, Clitty Clitty Bang Bang.
Ronaldo is haunted by Messi's ghost!
Cristiano Ronaldo swears that the reason he misses so many chances is because he sees a Fata morgana of Lionel Messi every time he shoots! It's true, Messi always "ghosts" past opponents!
Fly Tipping Causes Wimbledon Chaos
Tennis matches at Wimbledon could be delayed because there has been a spate of fly tipping in the No. 1 court. The Wombles have been called out but say that it may take some time to clear it up.
Tony Blair keen on being Prime Minister again but acknowledges it's unlikely
Mr Blair is rumoured to have met with Peter Mandelson and Alistair (You Spin Me Right Round Baby) Campbell to discuss returning.
They plan on rebranding the party as Even Newer Old New Labour.
Lady Gaga Cancels Show
An Indonesian extremist Islamic organization had accused Lady Gaga of wearing underwear onstage and made threats. Everyone knows that Lady Gaga doesn't wear any underwear!
Air Travel Getting Better
I saw a happy passenger at the airport, who had just turned 75 years old and doesn't have to take shoes off anymore. Still has to be groped, oops patted down by the TSA agent though!
Linguist Emerges From Comma
just hours after wife completes sentence.
MI:69
Katie Holmes to divorce vertically challenged Tom Cruise...Missionary Position Impossible?
NOT A Tall Story!
After years of research, psychologists can now reveal that 6 out of 7 dwarves are NOT grumpy.
Fathers Could Be Forced to Be Named On Birth Certificates
David Cameron is proposing that fathers should be named on birth certificates. Thousands of UK men are to change their name by deed poll to "David Cameron"
Katie Holmes files for divorce from Tom Cruise
'Suri' seems to be the hardest word.
Obama Campaign Misrouted
Obama campaign manager Axelrod confirmed Air Force One was misdirected to Tehran Iran instead of a function in Chicago Illinois. All aboard, including President Obama, were arrested as spies.
Justin and Demi to record duet.
Justin Bieber and Demi Lovatio to record a song together.
In related news, Demi Moore has been tweeting pictures of herself to Justin Timberlake.
Ukrainian prostitutes go on strike!
Ukrainian prostitutes entertaining footy fans are going on strike because they keep having a coitus interruptus every time a goal is scored instead of finishing the job like Ronaldo, hard and fast!
Mum sings Adelle song to daughter in coma
Daughter wakes up and says "Haven't I suffered enough?"
Council bans Olympic starter from firing gun
Elf'n'safety innut guv?
Melanie Sykes and her 'toyboy' go public
Unaware that Twitter is already public.
Euro 2012 TV Camera Crews Complain That The Football Is Ruining Their Match Coverage
'It's very difficult,' said a spokesman for the Euro 2012 Camera Crews, 'to take those long, lingering shots of every attractive woman in the stadium when we are also expected to film the game.'
Doctors At An NHS Funded Clinic
specialising in the treatment of Bulimia, have threatened to go on hunger strike today over pay and working conditions.
LA Declares war on Sodas and Snacks
Today LA Mayor Antonio R. Villaraigosa removed all soda and snack machines from parks, libraries and schools. He calls it "Keep our kids off liposuction" campaign. LA plastic surgeons drop support.
Palestinians Fire Over 80 Rockets At Southern Israel From Gaza
IDF returns fire using captured Palestinian prisoners in catapults..Israeli soldiers stated that this was their capture and release technique. Israel prefers not to hold our enemies.
Scientific Discovery Leads to Immortal Frogs
Biologists in California have managed to create a frog that will never die, simply by removing its vocal chords. This simply means that they cannot croak.
Geology
A large mink-stole was observed on the grounds of PETA headquarters in Norfolk Virginia. Oops that should be a large sink-hole!
North Pole Purchased by Russian Oligarchs
A Consortium of rich, fat guys has bought the North Pole and are attempting a foreclosure on its only occupants, a Mr. and Mrs. S. Clause. Who the sellers think they are is not clear at this time.
Inseine's BOOK OF THE DAY 73
by
Ginger Lee
Sexy Italian underwear fails to excite English footy fans!
Sex-starved English women are buying up every bit of sexy Italian underwear in a desperate attempt to win over their men. The men are ignoring them, they prefer to win over Italy; si, si Bella!
Martin McGuinness to shake hands with the Queen
Sinn Fein have denied rumours that Mr McGuinness is planning on wearing an electric shock hand buzzer as a way of giving the Queen an amusing little fright.
Milton Keynes Man Meets Grim Reaper
A Milton Keynes man had a terrible nightmare last night where he was fighting with the Grim Reaper but managed to beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. It turned out that he was Dyson with death.
Macca fesses up
Sir Paul McCartney has admitted that he is not really the famous Beatle but is in fact Fred Dewksbury of 14 Birmingham Road Everton. He says he assumed the McCartney identity as a dare by his mates.
Deadly 6ft boa constrictor spotted near Harrogate!
Ed Ryder spotted the reptile while out walking with his girlfriend at picturesque Swinsty Reservoir, near Harrogate in North Yorkshire.
"So, not all the snakes are in Parliament then!"
Beans on toast is UK's 4th favourite home-meal
Well, amongst the made-redundant benefit claimants, pensioners and Big Issue sellers anyway!
Lorry Crash
A lorry crashed today at junction 10 on the M6 shedding most of its load of inhalers. West Mercia Police said that the congestion would clear very quickly and last up to 3 days.
Country renaming continues
Having successfully introduced an anti-obesity ethos, Greece will now be known as Polyunsaturated.
Andy Murray in the bar
In the bar after the French open, Andy Murray was served some drinks. He could not return a single one.
Steven Gerrard: I'll never give up my dream of success with England!
Along with a few million unemployed dreaming of getting a job in England?
Huge Berlusgonad Shocker
Apparently, he DID shag the teenage beauty.
Jammy old bstard!
Cheri Blair Is A Fraud!
Cheri Blair was supposed to be representing National Widows Day when she herded a flock of goats over London Bridge - her husband, Tony, was absent unless he was disguised as one of the goats!
WTF 'Stolen cemetery plaque recovered?'
Rampant gum disease at Tonbridge burial ground?
Thomas Cromwell letter to King Henry VIII discovered
"Help, Your Maj, I feel like I'm losing my head..."
1,500 litres of milk spilt on West Lothian motorway
The incident happened after a lorry overtuned following a crash with a van.
A man was taken to St. John's hospital in Livingston suffering from a pointless bout of crying.
FA sue UEFA and FIFA for crimes against humanity!
After Englands ubiquitous penalty shoot-out display the FA have decided to sue the UEFA and FIFA on the grounds of cruelty, mental torture and inhumane acts. They might actually win this one!
Irish win the Euro's
The Irish will win Euro 2012 hands down, but sadly not the football version, but who cares as long as their superb fans keep on winning over the hearts of the rest of Europe!! Superb!!
David Beckham to star at London Olympics
Advertisers today installed a massive 24ft x 24ft poster of the occasional footballer in nothing but his pants opposite the Olympic Stadium.
Bergers to Cash in on Gordon Ramsay Visit
The good Bergers of Middlesborough, a town near Boston, Massachusetts are to impose a fine for swearing in public. They hope to cash in next month when Gordon Ramsay begins his American roadshow.
Publicity Seeker
The Reverend Al Sharpton and 15 marchers picketed the NYC Parks and Recreation Department, claiming discrimination because all the restroom paper towels are white!
Inseine's BOOK OF THE DAY 87
by
Claude Yarmoff.
Damien Hirst Splits Partner
It could be a curse or a tradition with Damien Hirst, who rose to fame as an artist by cutting things in half. Sadly he has now split from his long-term partner of 20 years.
Usain Bolt beaten in 100m Olympic trial
Looks like David Beckham will be at the Olympics after all.
Police: 5 suspected of stealing 9.5 tons of garlic
Austrian police did not need sniffer dogs to locate this suspected heist - 9.5 tons of garlic. The Romanian nationals - were not named, in line with Austrian privacy laws.
Man robs bank, drives to police station, confesses!
Raymond Carl Knudson pleaded guilty Monday to sticking up a Bank of America branch in April, a crime he confessed within minutes of committing the crime.
"Obviously not a politician then!"
Man uses slingshot to fire marbles at speed camera
50-year-old Bruce Lawrence May of Ellicott City was arrested and charged with assault for using a slingshot to fire glass marbles at a speed camera van.
"Lost his marbles when caught speeding?"
Engand qui, qui their pants!
England last night nearly qui, qui'd in their pants at the thought of losing and the French were 'merde"! Lots of qui qui et merde around!
Falkland Islanders Told To Defend Themselves
Due to armed forces cut backs the islanders have been advised to defend themselves using turd'pedos. They will be guided by the latest Sat-Lav Technology
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