Latest spoof news snippets
Showing the very latest breaking spoof news snippets. You can use the calendar on the right to browse through the most recent breaking news snippets.
Nick Clegg: Lib Dem plan 'for fairer Britain'
Oddly enough, that also happens to be the BNP's plan!
Phoenix-area man hits $1 million jackpot six times!
The Glendale man claimed six $1 million prizes after purchasing six Powerball tickets with the same winning numbers late last month.
He does not want his name revealed!
"I bet he doesn't!"
American lard eaten after 64 years!
A German pensioner received a tin of American lard 64 years ago in an aid package has only just tasted it!
Food safety experts, said the pig fat was still safe to eat.
"American quality you see!"
Wash. man bitten by rattlesnake at Idaho Wal-Mart!
Mica Craig, shopping in the garden department of a Lewiston store when he was bitten Saturday. It latched onto his hand and that he screamed, he managed to shake loose the snake & stomped it to death!
Seattle car vandal takes nothing, leaves tortillas!
Bemused by the break-in, police were moved to pun:
"The Seattle Police Department would like to take this opportunity to remind car prowlers that you shouldn't break in to something that's nachos!"
Rangers' Ticketus deal goes Tittus Uppus
The clubs administrators will terminate their contract over future season ticket sales.
Ticketus are owed around £27 million by Craig Whyte.
Good luck recovering the money.
Founding editor of Ceefax dies aged 85
For more details go to Ceefax page 120.
Then wait for ten minutes while you go through all the other stories on that page before getting to the one you want.
Aston Villa line up Andre Villas-Boas as manager
Salary package includes an Aston martin car and a holiday Villa in the sun.
(So it's not anywhere near Birmingham then)
Transfer targets include French midfielder Yann M-Vila
Facebook valued at $100 billion after NASDAQ launch
The new interim Greek government have sent a friend request to newly wedged billionaire Mark Zuckerberg.
New Biography Claims Obamas Were On Brink Of Divorce
Barrack was going to divorce Michelle and propose to Oprah.
Until someone told him he wasn't Oprah's type...
Facebook go public at $38 per share
The company is now valued at over $100 billion, with Mark Zuckberg's personal stake over $20 billion.
Which means he can finally afford to buy suit and 'chuck the hoodie'
Bratwurst, Bavarian beer and Lederhosen on the Chelsea menu!
Win or lose, Chelsea players have promised to don their lederhosen and knickerbockers, get pissed on Bavarian beer and have the party of a lifetime in Munich; their WAGS are being left at home!
Sometimes They Come Back!!!!!
Alan Partridge (Steve Coogan) to make a return to SKY TV...god help us all, I thought we had seen the last of this deadbeat would-be-comedian!
What a stink!
Adele wins another award to add to all the other awards she wins each week...this time it was the ongoing Crap Award for producing a prize dump!
Cameron upset
"You f...ing mongel, f..ck off!!" cried British PM David Cameron as a car accidently crossed into his path while he was riding his bicycle near Hyde Park in London. Cameron will probably sue them.
Wossa U boat Grandad?
Commenting on upcoming Queens Jubilee 'boat show' mad London Mayor Boris 'Bonkers' Johnson said: "It will be like Dunkirk"....really Boris, so 30,000 will die while Stukas bomb them then?
Llama Drama.
After Paul the Octopus at the 2010 World Cup, a football mad llama has been tipped to become the next match-predicting global phenomenon after correctly guessing the result of the FA Cup final.
Lame
The Pain In Spain.
Liverpool striker Luis Suarez has admitted he would welcome the opportunity of playing in Spain.
No word yet on whether he'd take Kenny Dalglish with him as his PR man...
Brendan Rodgers turns down Liverpool interview
Swansea boss Brendan Rodgers is not interested in speaking to Liverpool about their vacant managerial position.
He has told friends joining a club like Liverpool would be a backward step for him.
Truck crashes on NY highway, spills 18 tons of Greek yogurt!
"I hope this doesn't affect the Greek economy too much!"
Man wakes up moments before his funeral!
Mourners at the funeral of a 'dead' Egyptian waiter were stunned when he woke up moments before the burial.
Bit like Nick Clegg?
Francois Hollande, has total assets nearing £1million!
Monsieur Francois Hollande, who 'dislikes' the rich - has three homes worth £1million!
"Nearly as much as Cameron's!"
Bank of Odin Robbed, Suspects use hearse as getaway vehicle
Cash with a total amount of ten million dollars was taken from the bank by robbers who were reported to use a hearse from a nearby morgue as a getaway vehicle.
Lead Sandwiches Available Elsewhere
Palestinian prisoners on a hunger strike in an Israeli jail reach agreement with the government to stop. If these 1600 Palestinian prisoners were in a Syrian jail they would all have been shot!
Desperation Mode
The Obama reelection campaign is blaming former President GW Bush for the extinction of the dinosaurs, the lost continent of Atlantis and the eruption of Mount Vesuvius that destroyed Pompeii!
Old Technology to the Rescue
White House staff BlackBerries are to be replaced with WWII walkie-talkies, contained in back packs, to save money and stop leaks. WH Press Secretary Carney is to carry the presidential units!
That's Where the Money Is
Maryland's Democratic governor is raising taxes, vice cutting spending. Maryland's 3 million taxpayers are advised to forward all requests for funds to the governor at the state house in Annapolis!
Get Off My Back and Onto Yours
State unionized employees in Maryland don't want a balanced budget via state spending cuts. They want the Democratic governor to raise taxes on the state's taxpayers to pay for their salary increases!
Democratic Political Reelection Quiz
President Obama believes in _____. Fill in your answer based on which group the president is currently pandering to, to obtain votes and funding for his reelection campaign!
Police Issue Following Statement
Don't Stand So
Don't Stand So
Don't Stand So
Close To Me
Taggart back on the case
Detective Taggart is back and has taken on his first case of a kleptomaniac who kept all the stuff they stole. After emerging from the house he said: "You know what we have hear? We have a hoarder."
Top UK nuclear dumping ground Romney Marsh twinned with US wannabe President
Mitt Romney just as toxic
Michigan boy finds finger piece in Arby's sandwich
A spokesman for Arby's apologized saying "That was supposed to be in the chopped salad"
Come on down, the price is right!
According to 'Goverment' figures unemployment has dropped by 45,000 in the three months to March...during which time thousands more have lost jobs....watch out for the droppings of those flying pigs!!
He know's euro!
I never took Cameron for being a Neal Sedaka fan..Dave on the Euro crisis quote:"Breaking up is hard to do"..nice one Dave, get Eddie and Cleggie on backing,and you've got a solid number 1 hit cobber!
Max Planck's kids flunk out of school
Mathematician, Max Planck's twin children have failed their exams. Teachers put it down to them being small. "There's nothing as thick as two short Plancks," said one teacher.
BNP never buy smuggled goods
The BNP has announced that it is the most ethical of British political parties, as they will never buy smuggled or counterfeit goods from the Black Market.
Children strike
Austerity has hit kid's pocket money in recent years, and they have gone on strike over pay and lack of sausages. "It's reminiscent of the 80s," said Teresa May. "There was a minors strike then, too."
UK Voting intention Poll - 16th May 2012
Labour 44%
Con's 31%
Lib-Dems 7%
UKIP 7%
Others 11%
"Some cheer for Miliband at last?"
Inseine's BOOK OF THE DAY 53
by
Sarah Nade
UK Pensions less than the minimum wage!
Cameron very concerned about Greece leaving the Euro!
NHS patients left for 24hrs on trolleys due to spending cuts!
Reporter Bartholomew Utterswaithe asked Cameron for his views:
He replied "Really? Are they?"
Military chiefs furious at 'insulting' order which gags them!
UK Defence Secretary Dr Dr Goebbels bans military chiefs from speaking in public without his permission!
621,452 men are having to work part-time!
The TUC said: 621,452 men are working part-time, able to get a full time job - compared to 215,112 same time last year.
"This figure does not include the MPs who were already working part-time!"
Tory MPs In Gay Marriage Revolt
Tory Back Bench MP quoted as saying;"One Un-Holy alliance is enough"