Written by Skoob1999
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Saturday, 8 September 2012

image for Defrocked Jesuit Francois DuBois Of West 'By God!' Virginia To Open Premium Rate Telephone Confessional
Father Kilroy Silk's Confessional Never Quite Got Off The Ground. Probably Because He Is A SCOUSER!

Disgraced Jesuit, and go-getting entrepreneur, Francois DuBois, of West 'By GOD!' Virginia, today announced that he will soon be opening a premium rate telephone confessional service, for people who lead such busy lives that they don't have the time to pop into their local church, and confess to their parish priest.

"Life's just too fast these days," DuBois told reporters from a rocker on the porch of his WV ranch as he chugged on a pint of Guinness and smoked a Benson and Hedges in deference to his target audience - the British.

"So I got to thinkin' that maybe there's a market for telephone confessions. I looked at the USA, but the cost of running a premium rate number was prohibitive, so I ran a Goggle search, and found out that it's quite reasonable, financially to launch my phone confessional service there. In the UK. Cause the bastards are all broke! So I git it dirt cheap!"

Skoob News reporter and fugitive from a vengeful wife, and a woman from Cheltenham, who bought him for £1.99 online, Martin Shuttlecock, had a pertinent question to put to the defrocked Monsignor:

"It's cheap here, and the phones work, but why the UK?"

"Elementary you dumb shit," DuBois chuckled. "The Brits are so screwed up about all things sex related that the confessions will come flooding in. This time next year, I'll be a millionaire! They'll tell me things that they wouldn't dream of telling to a bona fide man of the cloth. And I shall encourage them! They can reveal all their gay encounters - they all have 'em over there, apparently it's normal - and the hetero ones, in explicit detail, and I shall provide absolution. Absolutely! And git paid a pound a minute! Is that worth more than a buck?"

"But what do you get out of it? Other than the money? Which presumably will be donated to charity anyway..." Shuttlecock probed.

"Charity my chocolate starfish shaped ass!" DuBois exploded in fits of mirth. "I just get a kick out of hearing all the gory details. Which will of course be recorded for training purposes. And which I will then sell on to prominent media outlets as potential fodder for new 'reality' TV shows. And if I get any calls from famous people - there's always the blackmail angle. I can't lose! Whoop!"

"Yeah," Skoob News reporter Shuttlecock mumbled. "Good luck with that...You don't have a spare sofa do you? Only the wife's kicked me out..."

"You can be my publicist!" DuBois announced.

Which is all very confusing. But still, a guaranteed money spinner. Even in times of depression.

More as we get it...or as DuBois does...

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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