Written by IainB
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Monday, 10 October 2011

image for The three little pigs and the crocodile - a spoof for children Little pig, little pig, won't you come and swim with me?

Once upon a time the three little pigs came to a river.

"We need to cross this river," said the youngest little pig.

"But we can't swim across," said the middle little pig, "there is a crocodile in the river."

"Then we will need to build boats," said the oldest little pig.

The three little pigs went to find things to build their boats with.

The youngest little pig found a field full of straw.

"Straw floats," said the youngest little pig. "I shall build my boat from straw."

The youngest little big collected lots and lots of straw.

The middle little pig found a thicket of sticks.

"Wood floats," said the middle little pig. "I shall build my boat from wood."

The middle little pig collected lots and lots of sticks.

The oldest little pig went to a scrap metal yard and collected lots and lots of metal.

"I shall build my boat from metal," said the oldest little pig.

The three little pigs returned to the river bank where the crocodile watched them construct their boats. The youngest little pig constructed a raft from his straw and attached a sail. The middle little pig constructed a dingy from wood and carved oars. The oldest little pig welded together his metal to the tune of the A-Team, and attached an outboard motor.

"Metal does not float," said the youngest little pigs.

"Floating is about displacing more than the weight of the boat in water," said the oldest little pig, who had been on an open university engineering course.

Pleased with his boat, the youngest little pig set off across the river, and the crocodile swam over.

"Little pig, little pig," said the crocodile. "Won't you come and swim with me?"

"No, no, no," said the youngest little pig. "Not by the hairs of my chiny chin chin. I won't come and swim with you."

"Then I shall snip and I shall snap, and I shall break your boat of straw in two," said the crocodile.

The crocodile snipped and snapped and broke the straw boat in two, before gobbling up the youngest little pig.

"That shall not happen to me," said the middle little pig. Pleased with his boat, the middle little pig set off across the river, rowing as fast as he could. The crocodile swam over.

"Little pig, little pig," said the crocodile. "Won't you come and swim with me?"

"No, no, no," said the middle little pig, hitting the crocodile with an oar. "Not by the hairs of my chiny chin chin. I won't come and swim with you."

"Then I shall snip and I shall snap, and I shall break your boat of sticks in two," said the crocodile, rubbing his snout.

The crocodile snipped and snapped and broke the wooden boat in two, before gobbling up the middle little pig.

"That shall not happen to me," said the oldest little pig. Pleased with his boat, the oldest little pig set off across the river, and the metal boat did displace its own weight in water and floated. The crocodile swam over.

"Little pig, little pig," said the crocodile. "Won't you come and swim with me?"

"No, no, no," said the oldest little pig, gunning the engine. "Not by the hairs of my chiny chin chin. I won't come and swim with you."

"Then I shall snip and I shall snap, and I shall break your boat of metal in two," said the crocodile, swimming faster to keep up.

And the crocodile snipped and snapped, but succeeded only in breaking a few teeth. Hurting, the crocodile swam off never to be seen again, and the oldest little pig made it safely to the other bank.

Three billy goats gruff were watching the whole affair unfold.

"Why didn't they use the bridge?" asked smallest billy goat gruff.

"Beats me," said the biggest billy goat gruff, and they tripped trapped back across the bridge.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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