Written by Tommy Twinkle
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Topics: Health, Alcohol, Mondays

Saturday, 23 July 2011

image for What Day Is It Today? Er... It's Another Monday!
Needs a drink so wants his Momma!

Every day of the week is to be renamed Monday 1, Monday 2, and so on up to Monday 7 following preliminary findings by a team of expert alcoholic scientists carrying out a government backed study into the rise of alcohol related problems in British society over the last twenty years.

The study found that surprisingly large numbers of people, especially in the age group 18 to 30, consume far less amounts of alcohol on Mondays compared to any other day of the week.

Russian Professor Ivan Chekodavistawosky who heads the ongoing scientific study says the reason is directly linked to the phonetic sound of the 'mon' in the word Monday which has a calming influence on people's desire for alcohol due to it's similarity with the words 'mum', 'mom', 'mummy', and 'momma'.

He explains, "The phonetic 'mum' and 'mom' becomes firmly established in the mind of baby within just a few weeks of birth, and baby then associates that sound with it's joy of breastfeeding.

"Certainly we know that after baby has received the milk of the breast from momma then baby stops crying for Momma unless he or she is a greedy little so and so and has yet to learn that momma needs a break.

"That lesson is gradually learned when baby keeps being sick just as adults eventually learn how excessive amounts of alcohol bring about similar results. But only rarely does that appear to occur on Mondays, though interestingly we discovered that over 80% of people who had recently been sick after drinking too much alcohol on a Monday had not been breastfed as a baby.

"Thus, they had never come to associate the sound of 'mon' with the sound of 'Mom' from their momma"

The government is so excited at the findings they feel it would be irresponsible of them not to take immediate steps to encourage people to think of every day as being just another Monday, or Momma day.

Prime Minister David Cameron indicated that the seven different names of our days are numbered.

"No doubt some people will not be happy about having to remove from their calendars, timetables and so on the words Tuesday, Wednesday and so on, but we're all in this mess together. I don't like stepping out of number ten first thing in the morning into a pile of vomit some drunken youth has left on my doorstep anymore than you people do.

"If changing the names of every day of the week to include the 'Mon' of 'Monday' in them is what it's going to take to rid my Big Society from it's love of booze, as I believe it will, then I assure you I am the man to step up to that challenge.

"I'll make this absolutely clear, for the time being at least I am still the Prime Minister of this country. Got that? Thank you."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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