Written by Slante Dangle
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Tuesday, 5 March 2013

image for Rocket Ronnie Not Recovered From His Extended Rest
OK who put the sticky humbug on the cloth?

Ronnie O'Sullivan, the lovable cockney pocket filler, is back on the professional snooker tour. But his actions during a recent practice session demonstrated that the troubled player's return to health is very much a long shot.

Ronnie re-joined the tour players' practice room by lining up ten 50 pences on the first table and proposing 'winner stays on'. When he was told he could play for free, he proceeded to take off his shoes and socks and cue up using his feet. Ronnie has been known to play right and left handed, but the rules of snooker clearly state that at least one foot should be touching the floor.

In between shots, Ronnie was often spotted trying to distract his opponent before picking up the white ball and moving it around the table. By the end of the session, he had covered his face in cue chalk and was claiming to be the first smurf to have scored a 147.

Tempers then flared when it became apparent that Ronnie's 50 pences had gone missing. All eyes were on John Higgins who denied any knowledge of anything.

After calming down, Ronnie's press conference focused on how he was intending to win the upcoming world championship. He commented "I'm gonna pot the reds, then screw back for the yellow green brown blue pink and black."

His words, obviously quoted from Chas and Dave's song 'Snooker Loopy' summed up his state of mind: potty.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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