Written by IainB
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Tuesday, 10 January 2012

image for Dorking gets London High Speed Rail terminal
The next train to arrive on Platform One will terminate here, best call Sarah Connor for help

Dorking, just south of the Great British Capital that is London, encircled as it is by the chastity belt of the M25, has been announced as the southernmost end of the High Speed Rail link.

"This is great news," said local resident, mobile hairdresser and tourist officer for Dorking, Heather Hills. "First we're getting the airport, and now the railway. When they finally connect the main road up to the rest of the country, we might be getting somewhere."

Dorking has already been nicknamed 'the end of everything', and now it will be, with the rail track going no further.

"I prefer to think of it as the start of everything," said Hills. "From here, to London, Birmingham and Manchester!"

Not all the residents of Dorking are pleased at the news.

"It's a travesty," said Fran Healy, a self confessed landscape architect. "If we can get to other places, then people might leave Dorking. And that's the end of Dorking. Worse. Trains go both ways, like they say in the song. Strangers might come into Dorking. I cannot decide which is worse."

Trains are expected to start arriving in Dorking sometime in 2020, giving the residents plenty of time to acclimatise to the idea. Heather Hills is hoping to help by setting up a Dorking branch of the Train Spotters Union.

"A lot of people have never seen a train," said Hills. "So we'll be running seminars to introduce residents to trains, and explain how they are NOT to lick the railway lines. Especially when there is a train coming."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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