Written by Simon Saunders
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Friday, 21 September 2012

image for Man Threatens Dog With Kebab
A kebab similar to the one used in the attack. Except for the vegetables.

Police in Edinburgh have launched an investigation after a local dog was threatened with a doner kebab.

The incident happened in the early hours of Wednesday morning in the Leith area of the city.

The dog, Scamp, an executive with Woof Woof Communications, described the traumatic experience. "Well, I'd been at my local club, 'Kennels', with some of my bitch friends, and I was walking them home as any good dog would do when a man lunged at me with his stinky kebab. He had it right up in my face. Now don't get me wrong, I'm all for eating meat of dubious origins but thrusting a kebab into someone's face is disgusting. Mind you, I did let a little bit of drool seep out after catching a whiff of it. What do you expect? I'm a dog for Gods sake."

Scamp continued his whimpering, "He even had the cheek to accuse one of my bitch friends of looking like a bulldog chewing a wasp. Well she is a bulldog, and who doesn't like a tasty snack after a skinful? Besides, It was a bee not a wasp. Anyway, I can't get the bloody smell of chilli sauce out of my coat. The guys at work are complaining about the pong and my other half won't let me within a bones length of her because of the stench. I want him caught and I want compensation for the trauma and the cost of getting the woman down the dog parlour to remove the smell from my fur. Eighty quid she wants! I'm not sure which is more traumatic, having a kebab shoved in your face or being charged eighty sheets for a bloody wash!"

The chief of Edinburgh's K-9 police unit, Shep, told us, "We won't tolerate this sort of dogs abuse. Especially when it's directed at a dog. Hang on a minute, that makes no sense. Oooo look, a lamp post."

We understand, despite K-9 Chief Shep's nonsensical comment, the police will continue to search for the offending man although they have admitted the only leads they have at the moment are all attached to their dogs.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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